Little Billy eyed the dills floating in the brine on the dining table.
“You’ve been told a hundred times not to put your fingers in the pickle dish!” Billy’s father said.
But little Billy couldn’t help himself. He reached out for a dill.
Whack! His father’s hatchet fell without warning, and little Billy ran crying from the room.
“Come back here, young man!” yelled Billy’s father. “And get your fingers out of the pickle dish!”
Little Sister Hilda came downstairs heavily dressed for her first day of school. She wore her under things over a thick wool coat; gloves on her feet; and socks on her ears.
Hilda’s mother, hands on hips, confronted her daughter at the front door.
“Now aren’t you the sight!” she yelled, flinging out her arms. “Get back to your room and dress properly, young lady. Your socks are mismatched!”
III: No Steady Beau
The Drooms’ only daughter Zelda was a large, curvaceous girl with a pretty face but no steady boyfriend. It was rumored, but unproven, that when one of her beaus got too close something dreadful happened.
Stan, an ambitious reporter, sensing a fabulous story, took Zelda to dinner, after which they parked in Lover’s Lane.
The moon came up full, the reporter became amorous, and so did Zelda.
“I could just eat you up, honey,” Zelda crooned, moving closer.
And so she did.
IV: A Hole In Juan
My older brother Juan is a real showoff, and I often lose patience with him.
Last Saturday, at our monthly golf outing, Juan went out of his way to make me look bad on the links, pulling off at least a birdie on every hole. When he made a hole in one on the 18th, I lost it completely. Without thinking, I swung my club—and put a hole in Juan!
V: Freddie's New Wife
Freddie’s grandpa passed away suddenly, leaving his grandma to take care of a twenty-acre farm.
His dad told Freddie when they got home from the funeral:
“Son, you be the only male available fer getting’ hitched to yore grandma. You gotta do yore duty!”
“I’ll do it, Pa,” Freddie said. “But gosh darn it—I’m too young to be my own grandpa!