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Penguins, by Mark Fuidge

10/7/2016

Directing traffic in the town centre he noticed a car approach with its back seat full of penguins. He signalled to the driver to stop and ordered him to take them to the zoo immediately.

The following day as he directed traffic the same car approached with its back seat still full of penguins. Again he ordered the driver to stop.

"I told you to take them to the zoo yesterday!!"

"I did, we're going to the seaside today"

The New Group, by Russell Conover

9/7/2016

Fred and Francine were eager to make changes. “We have so much creativity in our school, but we have to document it somehow!” Fred groaned.

“True, but short stories aren't an easy genre,” Francine reminded him. “Maybe writing only weekly would help?”

“As would a special gathering.” Fred's gears were grinding. “Hey--we could form a special underwater group!”

“Great idea!” Francine smiled. “Then trout, guppies, barracuda, and others would all be held accountable, and could help each other along the way.”

“I can see it now. Fred and Francine's Fish Faction for Friday Flash Fiction!”

Short Conversation, by Eric Smith

8/7/2016

“It’s dark in here, Elizabeth. But I can still tell two things about you.”
“Such as?”
“For one, you’re beautiful.”
“How flattering, Justin. What else?”
“You’re vulnerable.”
“How do you know?”
“There’s enough light that I see the vulnerability reflected in your eyes.”
“How can you tell I’m beautiful?”
“We’ve been talking for ten or fifteen minutes. I admire your values—you don’t judge other people if you don’t know them well, or even if you do. To me that’s beautiful.”
“So where does that leave us?”
“Needing another drink so I can decide whether you’re too old for me.”

The Last Word, by Emma Baird

8/7/2016

Mitch didn’t like most men. That was okay, most men didn’t like him either.

He adored the company of women. Mostly, they found football boring and they liked to listen, their heads cutely tilted to the side as he listed his many woes.

He also found women the ideal sounding board for his officious points of view.

Alice, on the hunt for a new boyfriend since Danny’s cruel demise, tilted her head. Who was this dreadful bore? She smiled politely. Mother said ladies never attempted anything as vulgar as the last word.

She said it anyway. Sex and travel.

Hitting The Bar, by Gordon Lawrie

8/7/2016

There were three of them, dark shadows in the doorway silhouetted against the bright midday sunlight from the street outside. Inside, customers gasped as familiar square-shouldered figures sidled towards the counter. Each deposited a large bag onto the counter.

The barman tried to look unconcerned. “Well?”

“Three usuals,” said the largest.

“Three lattes?”

“Like we said.”

“Been into town, ladies?”

The smallest one replied. “Me ‘n Betty ‘n Kitty have been invited tae a waddin’. Wahnt tae see whit we’ve bought?”

“Aye.”

So, as the women drank their coffees, everyone admired the pink, blue and green hats they were wearing.

(Subtitles for our North American cousins: “Me ‘n Betty ‘n Kitty have been invited tae a waddin’. Wahnt tae see whit we’ve bought?” = Elizabeth, Katherine and I have been invited to a wedding. Would you like to see what we’ve purchased?”)

Testing, 1-2-3..., by Russell Conover

8/7/2016

The LinkedIn users were frustrated since their posts kept vanishing from the main story thread. One minute they'd posted their masterpieces, but the next, their works had disappeared into the great beyond.

They contacted support, who told them to try different Web browsers and insisted the issue had been fixed. However, they remained skeptical, since they'd heard all this before.

All the while, Alice's cat sneakily kept up her online shenanigans. She moved the mouse and pressed keys, with both paws. “I KNEW they'd never suspect me,” she chortled. “I'm behind it all! Must use this power to my advantage.”

A Good Day To Stay In Bed, by Jo Oldani-Osborne

7/7/2016

My iPhone buzzed. Five a.m., time for my pain medication and time for my dog’s anti-seizure meds. A ten-year routine. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to put on the tea. I stretched my arms and retrieved the morning paper from the front yard.

Then my alarm went off for real. This time I knew it was real because I couldn’t get out of bed. The pain brought tears to my eyes. The fact that I couldn’t walk added to my tears. The dog has been gone for a month. Then I remembered who was running for president. I was inconsolable.

The Rejection, by Russell Conover

3/7/2016

“Good to see you! Where have you been?”
“Well, I’d THOUGHT I was part of an important group. Then I was banished.”
“I’m sure it was nothing personal.”
“Are you sure about that? I was a member for almost a century, and then? BAM! I was sent packing.”
“At least you’re still staying active, online and elsewhere.”
“True. I have seen some forums focusing on me. That makes me feel good.”
“A lot of people still like you! Who cares that you don’t have your previous status?”
“I guess, but I still miss my interplanetary friends. Life’s tough being Pluto.”

Breakfast Out, by Eric Smith

2/7/2016

She weaved toward the kitchen and opened the fridge—a major train wreck in there—packed with science projects such as muffins covered with dots of green mold and worse. Even under refrigeration it reeked. Several beers; no interest. Instead she pulled out a carton of orange juice previously opened and closed by filthy fingers, four strips of bacon left in a package, a cardboard crate with a couple of eggs in it. In the freezer she found half a pack of frozen hash browns. She also grabbed a jar of instant coffee from a cupboard. Whose place was this?

The Story, by Ann-Louise Truschel

2/7/2016

“Let’s hear it!”

She began to cry, softly, her shoulders shaking, her head bowed.

“My boss brought me home from a late board meeting tonight, and when we came in, we found my husband lying dead on the living room floor, Detective.”

“How did you know he was dead?”

“I didn’t see him breathing,” she shuddered. “I called his name – again and again. But, … but.”

Gasping for breath, she collapsed onto the couch, unable to continue. Covering her tear-stained face with her hands, she wept inconsolably.

“Very convincing, Grace. The police will never suspect us in a million years.”

The Hobo, by Mark Beddard

2/7/2016

“Take my wedding rings. I don’t use them anymore,” the hobo said to me.
Zelda and I were outside Tiffany’s, but it was closed. We had just decided to elope. We had arrived at the store too late.
“You can’t be serious,” I said. “How much money do you want?”
“None. With my wife dead, I have no use for money.”
“Don’t you wish to keep the rings anyway?”
“No, you two need them more than me. I still have her picture. Go on. Take them.” He forced the rings into my hand.
“Thank you very much, sir.”

Brake Light, by Mark Fuidge

1/7/2016

He drove passed in his car as I walked down the road. I noticed his brake light wasn't working as he stopped at the traffic lights. Thinking I'd do my good deed for the day I went over and told him. He got out shouting, swearing and began kicking the back of his car.

Trying to calm him down I explained that he probably only needed a new bulb, it wouldn't cost much to replace. He stopped his ranting and looked at me with tears in his eyes.

"I'm not worried about the bulb, where's my caravan gone??"

Home for Christmas, by Emma Baird

1/7/2016

Dear Mum, we’ve been told there’s a big push tomorrow. One final battle and it should be over. I hope to be home for Christmas.

I think of you – and Dad, and little Joe and Margaret – a lot. I like to imagine you’re enjoying the summer and you’ve been able to have picnics. I’ve been writing to Sarah Dewar too. Who knows, when this is at an end, perhaps we might have our own happy news to announce?

I’d better get some sleep. We need to be on full alert tomorrow.

All my love,

PS – I’M SCARED, SO SCARED [CENSORED]

A Fairytale, by Gordon Lawrie

1/7/2016

Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived an ugly troll with an ugly heart. He said horrible hurtful things but people laughed, saying: “Funny ugly troll. Stupid but harmless.”

The ugly-troll-with-the-ugly-heart challenged everyone: “You think I’m stupid? Let’s vote on it.” Everyone agreed.

Then a strange thing happened. To protest about other things, some people decided to say he wasn’t stupid, thinking that the ugly-troll-with-the-ugly-heart was bound to lose. But so many people cast protest votes that the ugly-troll-with-the-ugly-heart won.

The uglier-than-ever-troll-with-the-ugly-heart gave his ugliest grin.

“You thought I was funny? Well, you’re not laughing now.”

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