Baywatch in the Distance, by Paul Germano

Just for fun, as dusk approaches, the lanky 16-year-old acts like he’s drowning, his skinny arms flailing in a pretend panic, hopeful that the Pamela Anderson look-a-like will come to his rescue. She’s not present-day Pamela; she’s Baywatch-era Pamela. To himself, he whispers: “Do what lifeguards do. Come save me sweet Pamela, cradle me in your, um, arms; give me mouth-to-mouth.” Instead, it’s the other lifeguard, the Hasselhoff dude who jumps into action, running full speed, backlighted by the fading Sun. Annoyed, the lanky 16-year-old stands up, snarls, spits water out of his mouth and tells the lifeguard: “I’m okay.”