“You can’t be serious!” he shouted as his jaw dropped in disbelief at what the Prison Commissioner had just proposed.
The Commissioner remained calm as he replied to the Warden’s outburst with a slight nod of his head.
“Football jerseys?” the Warden continued. “You want the prisoners to wear football jerseys?”
“Yes,” the Commissioner said calmly. “That’s what the Commission has decided.”
“But why?”
“We feel the current prison uniforms are demeaning and strip the prisoners of whatever dignity they have left. Football jerseys will give them a sense of purpose and make them feel as if they are on a team.”
“But the inmates will use the different team jerseys to mark each other as belonging to different gangs. There will be fights.”
“That won’t happen because all the jerseys will be the same color and represent the same team. This will promote a sense of unity—of actually being on the same team. Their prisoner number will be on the back.”
“And I suppose,” the Warden said—with his head slowly shaking back and forth and his eyes dripping with sarcasm and disdain—“that the prison guard will wear striped black and white shirts and be referees.”
“Yes, exactly,” the Commissioner answered, missing the sarcasm completely. “You will, of course, be the Head Referee and since there’s only one team, you’ll also be the Head Coach. Your administrative support staff will be designated as Assistant Coaches and your Case Managers and Counselors will be Umpires.”
“Let me guess,” the Warden said after letting the Commissioner’s words sink in. “The prison guards will be Field Judges and make sure the rules are enforced.”
“That’s the idea. They’ll be the only ones required to wear striped uniforms on a daily basis and will be the ones to call the penalties. But you and the Umpires will make the final decisions on each call.”
“Will there be red flags and whistles?”
“You already have whistles,” the Commissioner pointed out. “But I can’t say the Commission discussed the use of red flags. That’s an interesting idea. What do you think?”
“I think that you and all the rest of the Commission should be kicked through the goalposts from fifty yards.”
For the second time the Commissioner missed the sarcasm and answered with a smile.
“I’m glad to see you’re on board with the plan,” he said. “And a three-point field goal could make all the difference in the final score. We may be the Commissioners, but we’re all on the same team, right?”
For a moment there was silence as the Commissioner reconsidered the Warden’s comment about kicking the Commissioners off the field.
“You think it’s funny, don’t you?” he said.
“No,” the Warden replied. “I think it’s a riot.”