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My Culinary Skills, by Bruce Levine

1/5/2020

 
I should state at the beginning of this confession that I hate to cook. I am, at absolute best, a survival cook and, under most circumstances, a total, absolute and complete disaster in the kitchen.

My culinary skills consist entirely of boiling water to make coffee in a Melitta filter and making Stovetop stuffing. I once tried Rice-a-Roni, but the rice came out hard, didn’t soak up the water, and all I got was a soggy mess.

There was actually a time when I thought, once – how hard could following a recipe be? That was a mistake to even think it let alone attempt to cook something. I tried to make Spaghetti Carbonara. A BIG mistake! It started out okay until I got to the garlic which said to add three cloves of garlic – not being sure what a “clove” was compared to a “head” I added three “heads” rather than three “cloves”. When I sat down to eat it my mouth nearly exploded. So much for Spaghetti Carbonara that night. It, obviously, went in the garbage and I got take-out Chinese.

Since I love to eat you would think that I’d at least learn to cook a little. Wrong! I’ve decided that discretion is the better part of valor when it comes to my stomach and I stick to take-out, bringing home prepared food from a good place that actually does the cooking for me or eating in restaurants.

Life is definitely too short to live without the gastronomic pleasures of fine cooking eaten with the gusto of a true food lover, but not at the expense of cooking it myself.

Bon appetite.

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