“Poison Apple Farms. How may I help you?”
A distraught-sounding woman pants into the phone. “Yes, hello? I have a complaint. Three people fell over dead at my luncheon this afternoon.”
Walter leans back in his chair. Here we go again. “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Am I to understand that you didn’t want them to die?”
“Of course not!” she barks. "I am absolutely mortified. The entire neighborhood will be talking about this for months. I’m the president of the HOA for crying out loud! It’ll be a miracle if my neighbors ever trust me again.”
“I see,” Walter says, doing his best to sound sympathetic. “Didn’t you see the warning label on the crate, ma’am? It would have been in large bold letters.” Walter takes a sip of his coffee. Ooh, still too hot.
“Is that what that was? I’m afraid I didn’t pay it any attention.”
“And the skull stickers attached to the apples, ma’am? Didn’t you notice those?”
“I assumed the skull and bones meant they were for weight loss.”
Walter palms his forehead. “No ma’am. It means poison, as our name suggests.”
“How was I supposed to know? Seriously, you should give people more warning for something as deadly as poison apples.”
“The cashier that rang up your groceries didn’t warn you? They’re obligated by law to do so.”
“Is that what she was saying? I couldn’t tell you, I had my earphones in.”
Walter rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry ma’am. It sounds like we fulfilled our obligation to provide adequate warning.”
“I don’t care,” the woman snaps. “I’d like a refund. Three of my friends are dead!”
“Alright. Just calm down. I’ll transfer you to our refund department. One moment, please.” Walter hangs up the phone.
“Another one?” Ralph asks from a nearby cubicle.
Walter shakes his head. “There’s just no pleasing some folks.”
“Tell me about it.” Ralph laughs. “I just talked to someone upset about the apples not being deadly enough!”
“If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one. You ready to punch out?”
“Yeah,” Ralph says. “Let me get my coat and lunch. I’ve been so swamped I didn’t have time to eat it.”
Walter begins to comment that he’ll wait then watches in horror as Ralph pulls an apple with a company sticker from his bag.
“Ralph!” Walter cries, swatting the apple from his hand. “That’s one of ours!”
Ralph’s eyes widen as realization dawns. “I took it out earlier to eat but got distracted. I must have put the wrong one back in the sack!”
“Maybe don’t bring apples for lunch anymore, yeah?”
“Right. Good idea.”
“It’d be a shame to lose you,” Walter says, giving his friend a pat on the back as they head toward the elevator. “You’re the only other associate in our department to make it past a year. I’ve grown attached to you.”
“Thanks, man.”
A distraught-sounding woman pants into the phone. “Yes, hello? I have a complaint. Three people fell over dead at my luncheon this afternoon.”
Walter leans back in his chair. Here we go again. “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Am I to understand that you didn’t want them to die?”
“Of course not!” she barks. "I am absolutely mortified. The entire neighborhood will be talking about this for months. I’m the president of the HOA for crying out loud! It’ll be a miracle if my neighbors ever trust me again.”
“I see,” Walter says, doing his best to sound sympathetic. “Didn’t you see the warning label on the crate, ma’am? It would have been in large bold letters.” Walter takes a sip of his coffee. Ooh, still too hot.
“Is that what that was? I’m afraid I didn’t pay it any attention.”
“And the skull stickers attached to the apples, ma’am? Didn’t you notice those?”
“I assumed the skull and bones meant they were for weight loss.”
Walter palms his forehead. “No ma’am. It means poison, as our name suggests.”
“How was I supposed to know? Seriously, you should give people more warning for something as deadly as poison apples.”
“The cashier that rang up your groceries didn’t warn you? They’re obligated by law to do so.”
“Is that what she was saying? I couldn’t tell you, I had my earphones in.”
Walter rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry ma’am. It sounds like we fulfilled our obligation to provide adequate warning.”
“I don’t care,” the woman snaps. “I’d like a refund. Three of my friends are dead!”
“Alright. Just calm down. I’ll transfer you to our refund department. One moment, please.” Walter hangs up the phone.
“Another one?” Ralph asks from a nearby cubicle.
Walter shakes his head. “There’s just no pleasing some folks.”
“Tell me about it.” Ralph laughs. “I just talked to someone upset about the apples not being deadly enough!”
“If only I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one. You ready to punch out?”
“Yeah,” Ralph says. “Let me get my coat and lunch. I’ve been so swamped I didn’t have time to eat it.”
Walter begins to comment that he’ll wait then watches in horror as Ralph pulls an apple with a company sticker from his bag.
“Ralph!” Walter cries, swatting the apple from his hand. “That’s one of ours!”
Ralph’s eyes widen as realization dawns. “I took it out earlier to eat but got distracted. I must have put the wrong one back in the sack!”
“Maybe don’t bring apples for lunch anymore, yeah?”
“Right. Good idea.”
“It’d be a shame to lose you,” Walter says, giving his friend a pat on the back as they head toward the elevator. “You’re the only other associate in our department to make it past a year. I’ve grown attached to you.”
“Thanks, man.”
