Genus and Species, two scouts from the planet Unbearable, had been traveling at warp speed for 20 years (except for pit stops) when they reached Earth in 2019. Their mission was to find a representative figure for their homeland.
Everything on Unbearable was black or white. Countless books, TV shows, and movies were banned, including “Fifty Shades of Grey,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” “The Hunt for Red October,” and “Orange Is the New Black.” Singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was forbidden.
The planet’s Royal High Commander-in-Chief, A. Non-Folding Chessboard, ruled with unflinching rigidity. Previous scouts who failed to meet his stringent requirements paid dearly, but Genus and Species were determined to find the perfect specimen to symbolize the planet.
As their spacecraft approached a football stadium in Los Angeles, California, its auto-tracker announced, “Potential Specimen, five miles ahead.” The scouts slowed their spacecraft and raised its invisible-surround shield to avoid detection.
Hovering high above the 50-yard line, the two females surveyed the scene.
It was half-time, and the players and officials were leaving the field.
“That one by the stands looks like an excellent prospect, said Genus.
“True, G. He’s wearing the perfect outfit: Black shoes, pants, and a black and white striped shirt. And the shirt's imprinted with our national logo. He’s cute, too,” replied Species.
“Yes, yummy. The total package.”
“What does that hand gesture mean, G?”
Genus scanned her Earth History book. “Looks like he’s playing Rock, Paper, Scissors,” she responded.
“That makes sense. What about this crowd, though, G? Won’t they get suspicious if we snatch him?”
“I doubt it.” Genus scanned the spectators’ minds. “Most of them are drunk or high. They’ll think they’re hallucinating. And half the crowd wants him gone anyway. Let’s do it.”
Species opened the side door of the spacecraft, aimed the heavy-duty immobilization/levitation ray gun at the umpire, and held it steady. Genus flipped a switch.
The duo watched the umpire freeze, rise slowly, and float across the field toward their vehicle. As expected, half the crowd booed, and the other half cheered. Then, everyone gasped when the game official disappeared into the invisible spacecraft.
Species shut the door, and Genus took off.
“Yo, man, did you see that?” one guy yelled, almost spilling his third jumbo cup of beer.
“Yeah,” said his companion, about to take a toke. “Some coaches will do anything to win a game.”
*****
Back on Unbearable, Genus and Species presented their catch to Commander Chessboard.
“Nice try, ladies, but you’ll have to take him back.”
“But, Your Royal Persnicketyness, why?” the disappointed duo asked in unison.
“He looks great, but his personality is much too colorful.”
Everything on Unbearable was black or white. Countless books, TV shows, and movies were banned, including “Fifty Shades of Grey,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” “The Hunt for Red October,” and “Orange Is the New Black.” Singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was forbidden.
The planet’s Royal High Commander-in-Chief, A. Non-Folding Chessboard, ruled with unflinching rigidity. Previous scouts who failed to meet his stringent requirements paid dearly, but Genus and Species were determined to find the perfect specimen to symbolize the planet.
As their spacecraft approached a football stadium in Los Angeles, California, its auto-tracker announced, “Potential Specimen, five miles ahead.” The scouts slowed their spacecraft and raised its invisible-surround shield to avoid detection.
Hovering high above the 50-yard line, the two females surveyed the scene.
It was half-time, and the players and officials were leaving the field.
“That one by the stands looks like an excellent prospect, said Genus.
“True, G. He’s wearing the perfect outfit: Black shoes, pants, and a black and white striped shirt. And the shirt's imprinted with our national logo. He’s cute, too,” replied Species.
“Yes, yummy. The total package.”
“What does that hand gesture mean, G?”
Genus scanned her Earth History book. “Looks like he’s playing Rock, Paper, Scissors,” she responded.
“That makes sense. What about this crowd, though, G? Won’t they get suspicious if we snatch him?”
“I doubt it.” Genus scanned the spectators’ minds. “Most of them are drunk or high. They’ll think they’re hallucinating. And half the crowd wants him gone anyway. Let’s do it.”
Species opened the side door of the spacecraft, aimed the heavy-duty immobilization/levitation ray gun at the umpire, and held it steady. Genus flipped a switch.
The duo watched the umpire freeze, rise slowly, and float across the field toward their vehicle. As expected, half the crowd booed, and the other half cheered. Then, everyone gasped when the game official disappeared into the invisible spacecraft.
Species shut the door, and Genus took off.
“Yo, man, did you see that?” one guy yelled, almost spilling his third jumbo cup of beer.
“Yeah,” said his companion, about to take a toke. “Some coaches will do anything to win a game.”
*****
Back on Unbearable, Genus and Species presented their catch to Commander Chessboard.
“Nice try, ladies, but you’ll have to take him back.”
“But, Your Royal Persnicketyness, why?” the disappointed duo asked in unison.
“He looks great, but his personality is much too colorful.”
