THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE IS FOR LATE-MIDDLE-AGED MEN ONLY:
White haired and balding dudes, I’m actually writing you this in fear and loathing. These are terrible times. The levels of radiation, global warming, plastic pollution, etc., have caused a new and terrible epidemic (even worse that COVID – actually COVERT(, the results of which the government is suppressing in a vast conspiracy. My neighborhood Shaman, who lives in his parents’ basement next door, has given me the terrible news.
1) When the 75th anniversary of the actual moment of our births arrives, a process is going to start which will cause our penises to fall off.
2) There is no stopping this process. The Shaman has gotten me to wear a brightly colored jockstrap (the colors repel negative influences), so when the hideous event takes place it will catch my “package.” I've been wearing the jockstrap for two weeks now, and I never remove it. I suggest you start wearing one if your 75th is coming up.
3) Orangutan Glue is supposed to be effective for sticking our stuff back on. In fact, I have started smearing it on already in hopes that the wretched event will be minimized if not avoided. I suggest you do the same.
4) Do not remove the jockstrap after you smear your manliness with the glue, not even when you take a leak or a dump. You don't want your most precious organs sliding into the toilet and getting flushed.
5) For the sake of my fellow late-middle-aged men everywhere, have your significant other photograph you with the glue and jockstrap on (as I have). Place this photo on Facebook so our sex will know the horrible fate that awaits us and that it can be at least dealt with if not prevented. (As I have.)
6) If you do not do this, you may suffer the fate of certain prominent politicians in this country, who have lost their gonads years ago. The massive cover-ups that are currently being investigated actually have to do with the fact that the leaders of certain foreign nations actually have these politicians’ balls or they have no balls at all!
White haired and balding dudes, I’m actually writing you this in fear and loathing. These are terrible times. The levels of radiation, global warming, plastic pollution, etc., have caused a new and terrible epidemic (even worse that COVID – actually COVERT(, the results of which the government is suppressing in a vast conspiracy. My neighborhood Shaman, who lives in his parents’ basement next door, has given me the terrible news.
1) When the 75th anniversary of the actual moment of our births arrives, a process is going to start which will cause our penises to fall off.
2) There is no stopping this process. The Shaman has gotten me to wear a brightly colored jockstrap (the colors repel negative influences), so when the hideous event takes place it will catch my “package.” I've been wearing the jockstrap for two weeks now, and I never remove it. I suggest you start wearing one if your 75th is coming up.
3) Orangutan Glue is supposed to be effective for sticking our stuff back on. In fact, I have started smearing it on already in hopes that the wretched event will be minimized if not avoided. I suggest you do the same.
4) Do not remove the jockstrap after you smear your manliness with the glue, not even when you take a leak or a dump. You don't want your most precious organs sliding into the toilet and getting flushed.
5) For the sake of my fellow late-middle-aged men everywhere, have your significant other photograph you with the glue and jockstrap on (as I have). Place this photo on Facebook so our sex will know the horrible fate that awaits us and that it can be at least dealt with if not prevented. (As I have.)
6) If you do not do this, you may suffer the fate of certain prominent politicians in this country, who have lost their gonads years ago. The massive cover-ups that are currently being investigated actually have to do with the fact that the leaders of certain foreign nations actually have these politicians’ balls or they have no balls at all!
