Good morning, afternoon, evening, night, or whatever other spot in the time-space continuum you are in. Or on.
Hello, my name is Theodore T. Tazbury III. I am a Portland-based historian, conspiracy-theorist and private investigator who is on a crusade to expose The Highly Classified History of Early Civilizations to an unsuspecting public. I am in the know and the Cereal Society would undoubtedly be delighted to see me in a gigantic concrete cereal box at the bottom of any ocean.
As I experienced before my very eyes, the history of Early Civilizations began in the future: 2028 and everything was bankrolled by the cereal industry. (Note: This would be the year that sugar was found to not to be linked to obesity, Captain Crunch received the electoral vote for the Presidency, and a celebrity Scientologist finally rocketed out of a volcano in a UFO built out of sugar cubes.) With President Crunch at the helm, nobody really ran the country as it was one big fun circus.
During a ten-hour drive from San Francisco to Portland, my sputtering, blue and white VW van suddenly drove straight into a pitch-dark hole or tunnel or portal of some sort, and into some land that looked so foreign to ours. Having seemingly dropped out of the sky, I was quickly summoned by the sun god named Osiris, as one of many ancient gods in Mesopotamia. I was particularly interested in the little-known things that were subsumed by mainstream history. I will share the few that I remember:
The ancient Sumerians in Mesopotamia, the purported originators of cuneiform script, actually used IBM Selectric Typewriters, while the Babylonian “Code of Hammurabi” was written on an iPhone. Comment: IBM and iPhone have since been purchased by the cereal conglomerate Apple Jacks.
The ancient Egyptian Pyramids were built by a time-travelling team from the Home Depot in Bakersfield, California. Comment: The laborers were fed a daily dose of Apple Jacks.
The Great Wall of China was originally built as a revenue-generating, climbing wall. Comment: A climbing wall on the back of cereal boxes is in the design stage, pending liability concerns.
In ancient Greece, there was such a thing as Greek Alphabet Soup. Comment: The new Alphabets cereal will include Roman numerals.
Lots to think about. I wanted to visit more, but I was considered to be a security risk. Allow me to conclude by saying that as 2028 nears, I can only wonder if I’m going to go on the same journey or even beyond.
Hello, my name is Theodore T. Tazbury III. I am a Portland-based historian, conspiracy-theorist and private investigator who is on a crusade to expose The Highly Classified History of Early Civilizations to an unsuspecting public. I am in the know and the Cereal Society would undoubtedly be delighted to see me in a gigantic concrete cereal box at the bottom of any ocean.
As I experienced before my very eyes, the history of Early Civilizations began in the future: 2028 and everything was bankrolled by the cereal industry. (Note: This would be the year that sugar was found to not to be linked to obesity, Captain Crunch received the electoral vote for the Presidency, and a celebrity Scientologist finally rocketed out of a volcano in a UFO built out of sugar cubes.) With President Crunch at the helm, nobody really ran the country as it was one big fun circus.
During a ten-hour drive from San Francisco to Portland, my sputtering, blue and white VW van suddenly drove straight into a pitch-dark hole or tunnel or portal of some sort, and into some land that looked so foreign to ours. Having seemingly dropped out of the sky, I was quickly summoned by the sun god named Osiris, as one of many ancient gods in Mesopotamia. I was particularly interested in the little-known things that were subsumed by mainstream history. I will share the few that I remember:
The ancient Sumerians in Mesopotamia, the purported originators of cuneiform script, actually used IBM Selectric Typewriters, while the Babylonian “Code of Hammurabi” was written on an iPhone. Comment: IBM and iPhone have since been purchased by the cereal conglomerate Apple Jacks.
The ancient Egyptian Pyramids were built by a time-travelling team from the Home Depot in Bakersfield, California. Comment: The laborers were fed a daily dose of Apple Jacks.
The Great Wall of China was originally built as a revenue-generating, climbing wall. Comment: A climbing wall on the back of cereal boxes is in the design stage, pending liability concerns.
In ancient Greece, there was such a thing as Greek Alphabet Soup. Comment: The new Alphabets cereal will include Roman numerals.
Lots to think about. I wanted to visit more, but I was considered to be a security risk. Allow me to conclude by saying that as 2028 nears, I can only wonder if I’m going to go on the same journey or even beyond.
