From my earliest days at school, I was the one that everyone went after. People used to throw things at me, or call me names, then run away before I could do anything back. Not that I wanted to do anything back, because Mummy taught me not to rise to the bait but to turn the other cheek instead. More importantly, if I hit anyone back, I'd get into more trouble from the teachers because... I'd be seen as the big guy throwing my weight about.
Around that time, there were a couple of gangs in my local neighbourhood, the Phillies and the Izzies. You had to be in one or the other or else they'd both go after you. I was in the Phillies, and one day the two gangs agreed to meet for their weekly gang fight. At least that's what I thought would happen, because that's what normally happened. But then the two leaders got their heads together and decided it would be more fun to see what would happen if wee Davie of the Izzies took on... Guess Who? By that stage everyone in both gangs had worked out that I was a big pussycat and wouldn't harm a fly. But could I be riled into doing something to protect the honour of the Phillies?
So suddenly I found myself all on my own facing wee Davie, armed only with a baseball bat that I'd no intention whatsoever of using. I was just hoping to use my long reach to keep him away, perhaps take his own baseball bat off him. But then he did two things that threw me. First: no baseball bat, only a catapult and a collection of stones. Second: he was stark naked! I mean, what was I to do?
Wee Davie didn't hang around. He took aim with his catapult and clocked me straight in the head with the first stone, a cheap shot. Instinctively, I knew what to do: fall down and pretend I was dead. Davie was so busy celebrating with his pals, and the gangs were so busy fighting anyway (as expected) that nobody noticed me get up and slink off. Contrary to rumours, nobody "cut my head off" – Davie didn't even have a knife with him! (Check it out.)
But as for me, I had to disappear. The shame of being brought down by wee Davie was too great. I changed my appearance by shaving my head, and moved to a new town. And I changed my name, although I kept the first couple of letters for old time's sake.