"Burns, you're charged with cruelty to animals, namely one poor, innocent haggis. How do you plead?"
"N-not guilty M'lud. But –"
The Procurator Fiscal* began to present the Crown's case: photographs of a disembowelled haggis; mobile phone footage of a club dinner; and the Address to the Haggis in Burns' own hand.
The judge looked down at Burns. "Well, Burns?"
"But it was Veganuary, M'lud! It was a vegan haggis!"
"Nonsense! Even vegan haggises have two short legs and two long ones. Guilty! Five years! Take him down!"
*The prosecution lawyer in Scotland.