Blog Archives

By Dave Ardent

31/12/2014

The battered man unconscious on the garage floor killed my fiancée and eight other people.

Today, I freed a dozen girls he caged. Then I found him; I kept my promise.

We fought with fists and feet, and more – spades even. We broke each other’s bones and made each other bleed. I broke his jaw.

He looks like a mangled puppet now, and I want to laugh. When he wakes I’ll want to kill him, although Rhea wouldn’t want that.

I hurt all over, but feel… amazing. It’s a strange thought, but this is the greatest day of my life.

Writing Ideas, by Russell Conover

28/12/2014

“Where to start with this week’s story?” the writer mused to himself.

So much had happened over the past week. He’d landed a new job, moved across the country, and restarted his life in a completely new region and field. The transition had been a challenge, especially since everything was so different

He tried to think of a topic that would interest and compel. But when he thought about it, he realized writing from the heart often works best.

“The purple lizard danced the tango with the orange pancake.”

Well, SOMEONE’S heart, that is. Hey--you have to start somewhere.

Application For Post With Amazon, by Gordon Lawrie

27/12/2014

WHAT SPECIAL APTITUDES, EXPERIENCE AND QUALIFICATIONS MAKE YOU SUITED TO THIS POSITION?

I have many years' experience in worldwide retail deliveries and distribution, mainly self-employed. I can maintain inventories, and match customer demand request forms accurately, even in quite high volume situations. I am used to working under pressure and am prepared to continue doing so, including undertaking night shift work where necessary. I have considerable experience of managing a transport fleet.

I have a Level 5 qualification in Reindeer Care.

WHAT SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS MIGHT YOU HAVE FROM US?

Pension scheme.

OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION

Currently laid off until December 2015.

The Gathering, by Emma Baird

26/12/2014

The family met in the kitchen at 3am. The gathering had not been planned.

Delia cast accusatory glares at the others: Frank merely shrugged; a kind of "the gig is up! Ah well, it was good while it lasted..." look.

Lillian kicked the table on frustration. Darn it, she'd been so sure her 3am venture would be fool-proof.

Pete licked his lips surreptitiously. Had anyone noticed..?

Matriarch Marion clapped her hands together.

"Folks, we've all had the same brilliant plan. Everyone knows cold leftovers are the best bit of Christmas. Dig in..."

Random Act Of Kindness, by Ann-Louise Truschel

26/12/2014

This is based on a true event that happened to Ann-Louise on the day she posted the story. It's a great idea, and if even just one more person does it as a result of reading it here, her story will have been worth it.

Carol walked into the Good Will store. Would there be anything that she could afford even here? Things had been hard since Don had lost his job.

Carol looked through the jeans and tops and found exactly what her two girls needed. And Kit and Sandy would love the colors!

The checkout clerk tallied her purchases.

“$20.99, Ma’am, with the 25% discount.”

She opened her wallet and realized that, even with the discount, she didn’t have enough money.

The woman behind Carol touched her shoulder, handed her a card that read “Random Act of Kindness,” and paid for Carol’s purchases.

A Pie By Any Other Name, by Jo Oldani-Osborne

26/12/2014

“Merry Christmas, Mon. What’s the ‘ting you’re making ‘dere’ for Patti’s ex-pat’s Junkadoo ?”

“ Shhh! Not a Canadian Ex-pat. I’m making ‘Baked Brie.’ ”

“I ‘taught’ you Americans don like warm beer. Kalik straight from the cooler.”

“Not, ‘BEER’, I’m baking a ‘BREE’ – stinky cheese in pie pastry, slathered with a whipped egg and, well the secret is you freeze the brie first and you use ready made pie crust from the market. Easy as, well, you know, easy as pie.”

“ A party where you bake the cheese but eat the fish raw. Welcome to The Bahamas, Mon.”

Deer Deer, by Gordon Lawrie

24/12/2014

Reindeer, of course, are the only species of deer where both male and females have antlers. This can sometimes make life tricky after the rutting season.

One Christmas Eve, Santa's reindeer had been unusually boistrous and when he came out to hitch them to the sleigh, he found them all tangled up in a huge heap. He panicked: how to deliver the presents?

Fortunately, one of the elves had become an expert with an old surplus Rubik's Cube. The deer went spinning and flying a few times, but eventually they were separated. The presents were delivered, as usual, on time.

Dog, by Bill Cannon

24/12/2014

Nothing scares like 90 pounds of German Shepherd, uphill coming down. I am 12, running as fast as the burn in my chest allows. Canine mouth is all I see during backward glances. “You can’t be that tall,” I think, as paws land on my shoulders, squashing me to the ground. Licks.

The Hour Of The Angels, by Gordon Lawrie

23/12/2014

Source: WikiCommons

Why does nobody understand the power – literally – of Christmas tree lights?

When strings of lights hang around the tree and they're left on for any length of time, magnetic fields build up around the entire circuit. It might not seem much, but over the hours that little trickle is enough to bring life to those dormant angels hanging on the tree alongside them.

The angels on the tree are ready, believe me. They'll move in the dead of night, sliding silently from room to room until they find their prey.

Did you switch the lights off? Are you sleeping comfortably?

The Gift, by Amy Friedman

22/12/2014

Six months into Cara’s marriage, she bought symphony tickets for Valentine’s Day. Her husband had taken her to the symphony on their first date, and the thought made her smile.

Unfortunately, husband was being His Royal Babyness. He wanted a tangible, gift-wrapped item for Vday, and made sure the message was loud and clear. Cara didn’t like his little fits, but shrugged this one off.

In the window of a local tobacconist, Cara spotted just the thing: a two-foot-long shoehorn with a dog’s head at the top. Elegant, amusing and useful. Rather delightful, really.

Her soul mate would love it.

Bringing Succor To The Enemy, by Marlene Goldberg

22/12/2014

Wind rustling the evergreens, shaking snowflakes, piling up, almost covering the windows. Papa’s unable to leave for shul, stays home. Mama’s chicken soup simmers on the fireplace. Every window prominently displays nine Hanukah candles. Mama lights the Sabbath candles. Papa finishes praying, makes the benediction for the wine, rolls, as we begin our festive dinner.

Wind howling ushers in a persistent knocking. A Cossak, almost buried in snow, enters. Set down by the fire, fed some chicken soup, soon dozes off. Next morning he says he’d gotten lost, saw lights shining in the darkness – a Hanukah miracle – saving his life.

Traditional Christmas Theatre, by Gordon Lawrie

22/12/2014

Did you see me mummydaddy? Did you see me mummydaddy? I was in the play. My teacher said it was not a titty play and I was third donkey so I didn't get to say anything but I got to sing away in a manger and the baby Jesus was Shirley's doll so Shirley got to be Jesusis mummy and there were kings and shepherds except there were only two kings because Gertrude forgot to come on and the sheep got mixed up with the camels and we all sang away in a manger and Tommy Maxwell wet the floor.

The Unseen Star, by Bobby Warner

22/12/2014

William lit his pipe and went outside to gaze up into the heavens. The night was clear, cold and star-studded, the familiar constellations winking down at him. Christmas night, he thought. Best night of the year!

Then, as the cold nipped at his nose, William turned and went back into the house where Martha was watching a Christmas program on TV.

"Well," she said gently, "did you see the Star of Bethlehem tonight?"

"No," William replied, placing his hand over his heart. "But I felt it, in here."

Internet Dating At Christmas, by Gordon Lawrie

20/12/2014

It all seemed so promising to start with. We'd met through www.findmyperfectpartner.com and we seemed so suited, despite the fact that we lived thousands of miles apart.

Then, around Christmas, gifts started to appear, each arriving on successive days ordered from Amazon. At first it was just a series of birds – well, you can always eat them – apart from five bits of bling that came one day. But suddenly the gifts became bizarre: eight milkmaids, then some men and women seemingly on amphetamines.

Then, one morning, pipes and drums smashed out beneath my bedroom window. Our brief romance was over.

The Search, by Russell Conover

20/12/2014

“Gah--my car keys were just right here!”

Jane was seriously stressing. She was late for work, the babysitter was late to watch her two-year-old son Sam, and now she couldn’t find her car keys. It had just been one of those mornings.

“I had them right here in my purse,” Jane said to no one in particular. “But now, of course, they’ve vanished. Oh, life--why do you do this to me?”

Sam giggled, oblivious to Jane’s inner turmoil. She turned to him, looking at his face of youthful innocence. “So, you’re already plotting against me? At your age?”

Merry Christmas, by Nicky Torode

19/12/2014

She slips her presents under the tree. They'll all miss her when it’s morning.

Closing the front door silently behind her she heads out in to the dawn. She’s always loved this time of the day, the thrill of newness, space before the routine.

As she fumbled with the napkin, she gazed again at her blind date. She felt 18 again, butterflies, playing with her hair, hanging on his every word. She was coming alive, like a child before Christmas.

Pulling into her drive later she sees her son staring out the window. Merry Christmas for the last time.

How To Make Great Apple Pie, by Gordon Lawrie

19/12/2014

Determined to bake her husband an apple pie to die for, she consulted several recipes to discover that a good pie was an oxymoron: cold yet hot, sweet yet a little sour, moist yet crisp.

Fortunately, that very day she'd purchased a state-of-the-art Cuisinart PZ7X-L food-processor and was ready for anything.

Assembly was easy. She cast apples, sugar, lemon juice, butter, flour and some water into the food-processor, then froze them in a pie-dish before baking it at 400˚F for thirty minutes.

The pie worked: her loved one broke a tooth on some frozen apple then died of food poisoning.

Christmas Stalking, by Sarah Hauck

19/12/2014

I’m starting my weekly routine at the Laundromat. I use the same machine every Wednesday evening, use the same detergent and come prepared with my five dollar bill to have it exchanged for quarters.

I retrieve the detergent from the dispenser, and start separating my colors from my whites.

None of my underwear is in either pile. I search again, but come up empty handed.

Retracing my steps, oddly I find none.

In thought I open the first machine and find a wrapped present inside, with a card.

It reads, “These are yours, and by the way, you slightly snore.”

The Battle Of The Bake-Off, by Emma Baird

19/12/2014

Margo’s Bakery was at its busiest at this time of year.

But this time, Margo was experimenting with a new system. Fed up of consumerism, she put a sign up offering free bakes for the best story.

Cinnamon, vanilla, dried fruit and cloves perfumed the air as customers elbowed each other out of the way in the battle to bid for mince pies, Christmas cakes, puddings and Yule logs.

Science fiction, rom-coms and thrillers abounded. Everyone agreed that a cake won through creativity was far more delicious than one that was paid for.

Christmas Mark II, by Gordon Lawrie

19/12/2014

Abandoned long ago by judgemental friends and family, a heavily-pregnant young woman arrived one night in a little village. Those few passers-by who noticed her wandering around assumed she was drunk. No-one offered help, far less accommodation.

She found shelter in a large overturned communal dustbin, and that night somehow gave birth to a baby girl. As the baby suckled, her mother said to her, "Cheer up, love, this is as good as it gets. Perhaps the next life's better."

They found out soon enough; a severe night-time freeze carried them both off. But they were together to the end.

Christmas Alone, by Eric Smith

18/12/2014

June stood her Christmas cards on the coffee table—one from her real estate agent; the other from the nursery where she bought ten leyland cypresses for privacy. She turned on a Christmas movie she’d seen too many times. Her mind wandered. She thought about her husband who’d lived with her ten years and then died in prison serving five on a meth rap. He wouldn’t have won any contests, but she always knew where he was. Now her son was in jail awaiting trial for conspiracy to commit murder—he’d had friends. She no longer knew what that meant.

The Invitation, by Norma Hurley

18/12/2014

Sorry love, it's not my fault. They're a right funny lot if you ask me.

I did invite them to the community centre for the festive meal.

Yes, I told them we always had the homeless in at this time of the year, and that they were very welcome.

Yes I told them we'd be having roast lamb with all the trimmings, decorations, pot pourri, the lot.

Of course I had to warn her we'd not be having any of that breast-feeding in public, she'd have to sit in the corner.

Do you think that's what put them off?

Posted in a week when Claridges, an upmarket London hotel, asked a woman to "cover up" while breastfeeding her baby.

Redemption, by Marilyn Freedman

18/12/2014

The animals had left long ago, probably halfway to feral by now. I shut the barn door anyhow.

Later, I packed gear for a few days’ trek; my old Hedgehog fire starter, bowls—not sharing with the dog again—knife, and toothpick bo too; bless my old master.

We set off, Abbie making a ruckus in the frosted grass.

A few days later, we topped a rise and stepped into a meadow. I looked down at my shoe. “Well Abbie, I hope your instincts run true. We’ll be okay as long as you don’t run them off a cliff.”

The Coupon, by Ann-Louise Truschel

18/12/2014

“How are you feeling, Debbie?”

“Pretty good considering the fall I took.”

“It wasn’t a fall, Debbie. Chuck beat you AGAIN.”

“He didn’t mean to. It’s just …”

“It’s just … until he kills you! And he will one day.”

Sobbing, Debbie whispered, “I know, but I don’t know what to do.”

“While you’re thinking about it, here’s a ‘Take Out’ coupon.”

“What kind of food do they have?”

“It’s not that kind of ‘Take Out.’”

“What do you mean?”

“Just call the number and tell them who you want to ‘take out.’ Remember to mention you’ve got a coupon.”

The Outsider, by Jane Reid

16/12/2014

The reindeer were restless. The does had gathered in a south field far from the stables – very untypical behavior. The bucks looked confused.

Santa consulted his chief stable elf.

“It’s that time of year,” said the elf.

“Time of year!” exploded Santa. “It’s their time to be rested and ready.”

“They’re, well, forming a harem,” said the elf. “Female reindeer do that in winter.”

“But,” Santa sputtered, “all the males should have been, ah, taken care of. That’s routine for domesticated reindeer.”

The elf said, “I think we overlooked the outsider.”

In the south field, Rudolph was enjoying reindeer games.

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